i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
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I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle