WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
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“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet