me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
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My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Your honor these allegations are
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.