ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
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My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009: