I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
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Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Need WebMD
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.