I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
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Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.