Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
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Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.