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This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
π€
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Me: Iβm having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: Youβre making a lot of sense right now.
Me: I donβt remember this mirror being here before
Wife: youβre watching a documentary about warthogs
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Dash light: β0 miles to empty.β
Me: βBet.β