Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
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[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me