A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
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ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow