3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
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wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
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(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.