that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
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No good deed goes unposted on social media.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
🤣
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?