I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
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doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
What?
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Goat cheese is for herders.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.