I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
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Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
The opposite of goth is stopth.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
This makes total sense…
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty