Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
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People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
A friend sent me this.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.