“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
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Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.