“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
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I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf