*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
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[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Proofread twice, hang posters once
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?