“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
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Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I’ve had relationships like this
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
A dead goose is called a ghoost
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.