Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
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Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit