You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
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Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.