If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
You Might Also Like
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I bet birds love this building.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.