*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
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Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
#Caturday
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
black phone good
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
There’s never enough good news
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”