Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
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Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”