WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
This is a true ally.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
shit just got real
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said