Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
You Might Also Like
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen