If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
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“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Oh hi lol
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?