If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
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50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.