I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
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DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Batman v Dracula
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that