My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
You Might Also Like
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Gemma Correll
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.