Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
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Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”