“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
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Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
This was a bad idea all around
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year