If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
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Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey