*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
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Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady