Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
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When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
How do you milk an almond?
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place