He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
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The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?