a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
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uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.