6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
You Might Also Like
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
when revenge coincides with naptime
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please