Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
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A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.