Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
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I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
What even happened today?
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from