Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
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If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*