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*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
*offers Batman cough drops*
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
What’s so funny?
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know