occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
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This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.