i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
You Might Also Like
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
My first child will be named New Folder.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩