I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
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ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
You are what you delete.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
cry laughing at this shit
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.