5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
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I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around