I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
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As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.