I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
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Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
My teenage children choosing violence
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.