I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
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Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
a god among men
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?