It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
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I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
good work, detective
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
🏙👨🏼
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.